Remembering What Might Have Been
This time of year always brings something back to me, that never was- My first baby.
I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, in 1983. My baby would have been born in January. She would be 25 this week.
Somehow, the loss has never left me- and the memory of what might have been still comes to me every year around this time.
Maybe God allows me to think on it to remind me of the miracle it was for me.
After all, we all need to remember times when God showed up strong on our behalf.
The week my baby would have been due to be born, I began to go through a depression. I stayed in my nightgown, didn’t open the curtains, and was sleeping a lot….I didn’t want to think about what might have been.
The night the baby would have been due, I was hurting so much. I was laying in bed, crying quietly, and woke Dan up.
He asked me why I was upset, and I told him that our baby would have been due that day.
He put his arms around me, and began to pray for me.
Then, he rolled over and went to sleep.
I felt a little better, but was still very sad.
When I closed my eyes to go to sleep, God showed me something.
I saw Jesus, and he was holding the hand of a little blond girl. Immediately, I knew that He was holding the hand of my child.
I was still sad for my loss, but the depression was replaced by the joy of knowing that I would be able to one day hold her, and that she was being taken care of by my Lord.
It’s funny…but a couple of times I have thought that I saw an older blond girl in a photo with my other children.
I have had dreams of my children playing, and there has been an older blond girl in the dream with them. Always, she was a part of my family.
I know that some people may think I am being overly sentimental, or that I am being too religious about life and loss, but the truth is, a baby is a baby from the time God joins those two precious parts that unite in conception.
When loss of life occurs, there is no loss in heaven.
I am convinced that remembering what might have been is an important part of remembering how good God is.
He didn’t cause me to have a miscarriage, but He did take that baby in His arms, and He did let me see that life goes on there, even when it ends here.
Leave a Reply