Parenting and Religion

You never know what kids will come up with. Out of the mouth of babes is much wisdom- much to the chagrin of their elders. Yesterday, when I picked up the little girl I watch (I will call her E), she said to me “I’m glad you picked me up. My mommy doesn’t want to pick me up.”
I said “Of course she does, why would she not want to pick you up?”
E replied “Because she can’t believe her life”.
I asked her if that was what her mommy told her, and she said “No, she told me some bad words, and then she can’t believe her life. They are bed words for me to say, but not for grown-ups to say. How come you never say those bad words?”
I told her it is “because I practice not saying them. There are things we all need to practice doing or not doing, and I practice not saying bad words. That means I control my mouth.”
She said “My mommy needs to practice controlling her mouth.”
I stiffled a giggle, and said “OK, but don’t tellher that. Instead how about if we pray for her?”
E got all excited, and said “Yeah, it can be a secret!”
I got thinking about that conversation last night, and how true it is that adults give kids the impression that we have a different set of moral standards than we want them to live by.
As Christian parents, we need to be the examples they get their “How to live life right” instruction from- not just in words, but in actions.
If we don’t live what we preach to them, they will see us as “Needing to learn to practice controlling…________!”
We all mess up. We all make mistakes, and we all do things in front of our kids that we shouldn’t at one time or another.
When that happens, we need to let them know that we are aware of our wrong doing, and let them know we are trying to change that type of behavior.
There is nothing wrong with our kids seeing that we are human, but we need to let them see that we are still works in progress too. God’s grace is for helping us get up if we mess up. If we show them how, they will know they can get up if they mess up too.
For more information on being an example, please read “They Are Watching You“.

When you have teenagers in your family, things can be quite quiet for a while. It can be frustrating to have silence follow a question you ask, or a statement you make. When teens go through their silent days, and they may be many, be patient, and pray for them.
Silence can mean many things, and eventually they will talk.
Being available to them, whenever that time comes, will make the difference as to how much they talk, what kind of talk (thier heart or their mind, or both), and how long they they will talk.
If our teenagers know we are not going to condemn them for the things they may want to talk about, they are more likely to open up. If they know we have unconditional love for them, they are more apt to be honest.
Developing a relationship with them that enables us to have true fellowship with them should begin when they are born- but if that has not been the case, begin now.
Relationship with someone means that you both take part in the communication. You both respect each other. You both are honest, and kind. It takes two to make a relationship work.
Respect and honor the opinions of your teens as you would a friend’s.
Listen well. This means be quiet, and let them talk. Don’t lecture- that is one area us parents have a hard time with. We see a problem and we want to fix it. DON”T!
Let them express themselves, and if you feel the need to offer advice, ask them if they want to hear it.
If they say yes, be gentle, and not bossy. If they say no, tell them you will pray for them to have wisdom.
For more information on talking to teens, see Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, and read my article Talking To Your Teen.

Today I took my three youngest kids, and 3 others to a pumpkin patch. What a wonderful time!
We went on a hayride and stopped in the middle of the pumpkin patch to pick pumpkins. We each got one. Then we continued the ride to the corn field, where each of us got to pick two ears of Indian Corn. When the ride ended at the barn, we put our things in the mini-van, the we went through the corn maze.

We got a lttle lost in the maze, but with children leading the way, we eventually found our way out.
The weather was beautiful. New York state is usually cold by this time of year, but today is got up to 82 degrees.
When it was time to go, we bought some fresh sweet corn and headed home. The kids want to go again, so does the mom.
Time spent watching my kids enjoy nature, and have fun is priceless.
I am blessed, and I know it.
I am thankful, (Thankful Thursday), for I know that I have what a lot of people long for- family.
Family that lives and loves together.
Family that takes for granted that everyone has it as good as we do.
Family that at times overlooks the blessings, not realizing that we are blessed beyond measure.
Treasuring each other, enjoying each other, thinking it will always be this way.
It may always be this way in the sense of always being family- but not in the sense of always being a young family.
I want my kids to know how to be thankful, and not take each other for granted.
I want them to know how blessed they are.
I want them to be blessed like this as they grow and have families of their own.
Knowing that family is a gift to be treasured, a priceless part of life that cannot be replaced.
Family- God’s plan for us.

As a mom, it is my job to make sure that when my kids go to visit friends, they are going to a safe place. I have been known to call parents and ask to meet them (much to the embarrasment of teens) before I would allow my kids to go to the house of a friend. Most often, this is received wellby parents. They understand and are more than willing to meet with me. There have been a couple of times when I have had to say no. This is very hard to do, but when I know there are things going on in the home that could potentially harm my children, or expose them to things they should be innocent of- I can’t let them be in that environment.
I always welcome their friends here- and to my astonishment, usually their friends are allowed to come here without their parents ever meeting, or even talking to me on the phone.
Some people assume that because we are in ministry, that their kids are safe here- and they are- but my point is that even in Christian families, there is often abuse.
One of my best friends when I was a young child, was being sexually assulted by her father, and I never knew it until we were adults. I spent a lot of time with her family. My parents knew them, and never suspected anything wrong either. They were Christians, attended church, and the mom was active in ministry. It turns out that they were very abusive, and the scars have lasted- the scars of abuse in children are carried into adulthood- making it more probable that they will also either be abusers, or be abused as adults.
So this mom prays. I pray for my kids when they are not with me- that they will be safe and not harmed in any way. I pray for the families of their friends- that they will be drawn to the Lord if they don’t know Him, and that their homes will be a havens of peace. I also don’t trust anyone easily. Knowing I was there, and didn’t know of the abuse makes me less trusting. Less trusting of my own judgement, and of myown sensitivity to those in pain. If I didn’t know my best friend was hurting- how do I know I would recognize it now?
I need to keep praying.
Bob Betzen, author of the “Radical Avenue” blog, has a very good article up about how the effects of domestic violence last;The Lasting Wounds of Domestic Violence.

domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assult, sexual abuse, parental responsibility

Please check out these other blogs supporting DOmestic Violence Awareness:

www.herdailynews.com
www.about-sanjoseca.com
www.homecomputertalk.com
www.earthlygarden.com
www.watchingbionicwoman.com
www.watchingbsg.com
www.limitededitionfoods.com
www1PStart.com
www.astrologyexplored.com
www.about-honoluluhi.com
www.parentingandreligion.com
www.maritaltalk.com

Violence on TV and in video games does effect our children, and our homes. As Christian parents, our goal is to raise our children to be peacemakers. If we allow them to feed on violence, whether on TV or in video games, we are setting a double standard.
Domestic Violence can be a side effect of what we watch, read, play, or witness.
According to “Children and Television Violence“, the effects can be anything from acting out with fear, to acting out with violence.
I noticed when my oldest son was young (He is 21 now), if we allowed him to play Nintendo games for too long, he would act out to us. He would point his little fingler at me and say “Bang!”, knowing it was wrong. It was as if he became a different child when he was allowed to play for too long.
It is up to us to make sure we don’t allow violence to live in our homes. If we begin with what we use as entertainment, then at least we have begun.
Another culprit can be the music they listen too. Music today is more violent than ever. According to a study done involving 500 college students, aggressive behavior and violence increased along with listening to violent music.
If being exposed to violence effects college aged people, why do we ignore the effect it can have on young children?
It is time to raise the standard in our homes. It is time to say “NO!” to violence.
It is time to pray with a passion for peace, not only in our homes, but also in the homes of those who don’t know better.
If we begin with our own families, others will see the difference in us. That is when they will begin to take a stand with us.
Having peace in our homes has to be done on purpose. It is something worth striving for.
Let’s raise some peacemakers.

April Gilford, Life As a Christian Woman author, has written about a house divided, don’t let that be your house.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, so for the next couple of days, I will be writing about Domestic Violence.

When there is violence in the home, children are effected in one way or another. If they witness physical violence, or experience being abused themselves, they will not only be physically hurt, but will carry emotional scars with them into adulthood. Children who are abused and children who witness abuse, are more likely to become abusers themselves.
Some children who live with violent situations will act out. They could display it in their inability to communicate effectively, poor concentration, developmental delays, fear and nightmares. They may be unable to interact well with children of the same age. (For more on the effects of abuse on children, read “The Effects of Domestic Violence On Children“.
Every family has arguments and disagreements. How do we teach our children to fight fair, and not use violence in their arguments?
There are rules you can establish to prevent things from getting out of control.
Here are some examples:
1) No name calling.
2) No physical force- pushing, shoving, hitting- all of these are abusive and must be forbidden in an argument.
3) No one can storm out of the house in anger. They may go to another room, but must remain until they have cooled down.
4) When there is an argument, there must be an obvious end to it. Making up, or coming to an agreement of some sort. This will enable everyone to go on without fear of it coming up again.
We have established these rules in our house, and they do work well. Of course kids will try to fight unfair, and it is up to us to set an example of how to disagree without being mean and violent.
If parents will set the tone for the home, the children will usually follow. Telling kids,”Daddy and I don’t hit each other, you can’t either!”, will go a long way. Be the example. Set the tone for non-violent arguing. If things are too tense in the home, and your children do act out, re-evaluate and change some rules.
Being strict about being kind to everyone is good.
Be honest when you are wrong. If you act on emotion, or say something you shouldn’t to your spouse, or a child- admit it. Ask forgiveness, and change your behavior.
As parents, we must show them how to live. Living non-violently is a great way to begin.

Read: Psychological Domestic Violence, for information on what it is.

domestic violence, preventing domestic violence, abuse, children and violence

I couldn’t resist using this video when I saw it. It reminded me of my dad. He always said he would never change a diaper, maybe this is why.

I wanted to share this with all you moms who feel like you are always repeating yourself. Each day brings the same things to deal with, all over again. Anita Renfroe has put all the necessary things we say to music- listen well.

How do you respond to a child (or anyone for that matter), who says they don’t feel well, or they got hurt somehow, or they are having a bad day?
I know what my first response should be, prayer.
But usually I look for a tangible, physical way to help them feel better.
This is something I am working on. I want my first response in any situation to be prayer.
I guess I have the “Martha Syndrome”. I see the service oriented thing I can do to help, when really I need to be more like MAry, and be at the feet of Jesus.
Dan almost always responds to any situation with “Let’s Pray”.
When one of the kids gets a headache, he is laying hands on them to pray, and I am running for the Tylenol. (though I do say “amen” when he finishes…at least I agree with the prayer)
A few weeks ago, Andy (4) got a boo-boo on his leg. He was crying, so went to get the bandaids, cleaned it up, bandaged it, and kissed it. He was still crying. I kissed it again.
He looked at me and said “NO mommy, pray!”
Even my 4 year old knows prayer helps more than anything else.
I guess this is one of the lessons I need to learn and practice.
Pray.
When they feel ill, pray.
When they get hurt, pray.
When they are in a rotten mood, pray.
(then get the Tylenol)

So often it seems like when kids want to help us with something, we are in a hurry. We just know that they would slow us down, and we would end up having more work to do- which is not exactly our goal.

How often do we push them away, or tell them “maybe later”, and later never comes?
Letting them help builds character, in them and in us. It gives them a sense of self worth, and helps them feel good about being able to contribute. For us it fosters a closeness we would have them in no other way. It helps us see side of their personalities that may be hidden from us most of the time, and it helps us to see what gifts they may have.
God has a plan for each of us, even children.

It is our job, as Christian parents, to seek out the gifts they have and help them use them for the Glory of God.
I know when I have a small child standing on a stool beside me as I wash dishes- it seems to take twice as long to get the job done. But I also know that the times I have been patient enough and let them wash a few things, the child in question has come away feeling like they did their part in helping the family, and I came away knowing I had a part in them feeling good and finding a way they can help.

If you have young children who are eager to help, there are easy things they can begin with. Vacuuming is a great one. It is easy, and kids love to use the hose. If they have a set of “Cool Tools”, you could give them a broken chair or some such thing, and ask them to try to fix it. (My boys try to fix unbroken things- so watch out!)
Setting and clearing the dinner table is a wonderful way they can help.
Emptying trash from the bathroom, or even making their own bed is also a great way for kids to help. As they get older, they will know that doing things around the house is for the whole family, not just mom and dad.

For more on incorporating the family to help, read http://www.momisteaching.com/cooking-cleaning-and-learning/, by Summer Minor.
For more on discovering the gifts and talents in your children, see my blog titled “Bringing Them Up“.

Yesterday we went to pick out a replacement lizard. I think it is a girl, but we can’t tell for sure…(not up on lizard sexuality). Danny said I could name it, so I named it June Carter Cash, figuring maybe Johnny wouldn’t be so lonely now.
One of the boys decided to pick our cat, Jewel, up to show her the lizards. Now she won’t leave them alone. She sits by the aquarium watching for any little movement. There are also crickets crawling around in there, so she is really entertained.
Enough about us.
Last night I was talking to my mom, and she told me that my Aunt and Uncle’s cat had gotten hit by a car. When Uncle Fred called Aunt Lynn at work to tell her, it was hard, because they really loved that cat. When Lynn got home from work, they got a box ready for the cat. They even had the cat’s name on the top of the box. Then they went out and had a little funeral, buried the cat, and placed a marker on the grave.
A little while went by, and they were in thier house, still crying about the cat- when their cat walked in!
The cat they buried was NOT their cat, but someone else’s.
How happy, and how sad. They have their cat, and someone else’s cat has a very nice grave with a beautiful casket.

Last night, crash died. We only had him for 2 days, and he died.
Danny took it well, considering Crash was his pet.
I could tell he wanted to cry, but he didn’t. I thinkit was because his older brothers (21 and 16) were here, and he thought he might look silly crying over a lizard.
I could tell though, he was sad.
Moms always know.
But moms don’t always know how to handle it. I told him it was ok for him to be sad, and that we will callthe pet store today to get him another one.
He is happy to be getting another one, but he still wouldn’t admit he was sad.
He was doing the rubbing his eyes and smiling thing he does when he is trying not to cry- so I know he really was sad.
Lizards are fun to watch, and they seem to watchus while we watch them. I hope we will get one that stays alive for a while…I don’t want to have to keep replacing lizards.
For now, Johnny Cash is ok, hopefully he won’t die too.
Joe and Shawn were singing “Holsom Prison Blues” to him last night.
Maybe because of his name he will like living here and stick around.

I got a phone call from a good friend yesterday. When I answered I heard “Do you know there is a sexual predator on your street?”
I told her I check regularly with the registry and hadn’t seen one listed. I went to the web and looked it up, and sure enough, there is one 3 houses down from me.
He must have moved in recently, because I look at the registry every couple of months.
I want to encourage parents to know who your neighbors are. We live in an area where there are a lot of rentals, so there is always someone moving in or out.
I let my kids ride their bikes up and down the street. I have told them to watch out for the older blind man so they don’t run over him. Now I will have to tell them that he may be the predator.
What is really scary, is that this guy was arrested and convicted at the age of 68, and he is now 77- and my kids can’t offer respect to him as an older man- they have to avoid him as a threat.
I am glad there is such a thing as the sex offender registry.
Here is the link so you can check out your own neighborhood:
http://www.familywatchdog.us/
Use wisdom, and keep your children safe.

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