Help! My Kids Are Adults!
How do we switch from talking to our young children as parents…”Do this…”, “Don’t do that..”
“Why did you…?”, “I’ll tell you what to do….”
And talk to them as adults…even if we don’t think they act like adults yet?
I was discussing this with a friend of mine last night, and I must say, I only know what to do with my own kids, and what has worked for Dan and I so far.
We have always strived to keep communication lines open, and from the parents stand point- that means a lot of prayer and relying on God for guidance.
We came to the conclusion when our first two kids were approaching their mid-teens, that it is normal for sons to compete with fathers and for daughters to compete with mothers. We learned from experience, and from praying for them. Growing up is hard. They have to obey us, and they feel inside like they are old enough to make their own decisions.
We see them goofing up, but we know we need to let them goof up.
They see us as lecturing them if we try to talk about anything. We see them as wanting to hide things and rebel against us if they won’t listen to us talk to (lecture) them.
What to do?
Now, I am not saying this how it should be done in all cases, only that this is what has worked for us so far.
BE QUIET!
If they want to argue- don’t do it.
When they decide to talk- listen- don’t give advice unless asked for it.
Talk to them like you would talk to a friend- with respect that they can make proper decisions and respect in the words you choose.
If you want information, find a creative way to get it. One thing I have found that works with my kids is talking about the ways we have seen other people handle things. Even if it is a family in a movie. You can point things out that you either liked or didn’t. You can say things like “I wonder what would have happened if he did this instead of that? What do you think you would do?”
One thing I have noticed about my teens, is that their favorite time to talk is either when we are alone in the car, on a long drive; or VERY late at night.
I have made it a point to get up late and check on them if they are still up. I have learned more about what is going on in their lives this way than any other. None of their friends can talk that late, and sometimes before bed, our minds won’t shut off. That is when they will talk and talk and talk.
I decided a long time ago that I would never act shocked at what they would tell me, and I have been able to maintain that- even at confessions of doing things they were taught are wrong, like smoking. If I refrain from judging them, they are more likely to talk to me.
I also never promise not to tell their dad. Him and I have an agreement that we don’t keep secrets from eachother. I will, however, give the chance for them to tell him before I do.
This builds trust and confidence.
Another thing we do is let them know that there is NOTHING they could do that would make up stop loving them.
We have had our share of “I will love you no matter what” tests.
God is always bigger than whatever we are going through.
To sum it up:
Respect
Don’t Judge
Give advice when asked
Listen, Listen, Listen
teens, young adults, talking to teens, communication, communicating with teens, parents of teens, respecting teens
August 13th, 2007 at 11:47 am
I have found with my son that saying “No you can’t do that” is much better received when offered a viable alternative. For example, he is a boy, and athletic, so it was natural for him to want to try practicing flips off the swingset when he was 7. I told him he couldn’t, but he COULD take all the pillows off the couch and beds and pile them up in the living room to practice flipping. Now at age 10, he is beginning to reason out his own viable alternatives, and I am saying “no” and reprimanding much less often.