As I was trying to decide what blog to put this in, I decided to put it in both of them because when parents unite, it helps the marriage and when husband and wife unite, it helps the parenting.
What I am dealing with right now, is the idea of what to do when you have a child (teenager at the moment), who outrightly is into arguing to make a point. It doesn’t really matter what the point is, or even if it is something worth arguing about- they just want to make their point (of course the opposite of your point as a parent).
That is what seems to be the big challenge here lately, and Dan and I have come up with a solution together- we refuse to argue with them. (not easy when they are wrong- but worth keeping peace in the home).
What I mean is, we decided to refuse them the opportunity to push our buttons by saying the way it is, and if they voice an opposition we don’t get into a shouting match. We are however willing to discuss things unemotionally. That is the key- to remain unemotional.
Not an easy task when we are emotional as parents, and want the best for our kids- but a needed task if we don’t want to be trapped into a shouting match.
I have learned from experience with my adult children, that if I keep my cool, they will get tired of trying to prove their point. If I loseit, and get emotional, they want to make their point even more- and will say hurtful things to do so.
Keeping my cool is not easy, especially when it is something I have conviction about. Sometimes I have to call an end to the conversation, and let them know I disagree but will not discuss it any further. This type of thing is important to be a united front with your spouse on because you need to stick together.
Not only on how much talking you are willing to do, but on the consequences of crossing the line into arguing and manipulating. These things must be agreed on and enforced.
For instance: if the disagreement is about TV, the parents must agree on what is acceptable for viewing. Of course there will be oppposition, but if it escalates into arguing and manipulating- the consequence should have to do with TV. Something such as setting parental controls (which should be done anyhow), or being stricter for a while (grounding?) may work to curb the argument- but must be agreed on by the parents.
When it comes right down to it, the more parents can agree on - the more peace there will be in the home. Being in agreement is the deciding factor.
January 30th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Jean, it can be tempting to be sucked into an argument with a teenager. I think some things should be discussed and even debated but other things should not. I’m glad you’re able to end it when things get out of hand.
It drives me crazy when my children answer me as though I have asked them to do something and question it when it was in fact an order.
The parents agreeing on discipline is very important. We have run into that problem but now are very cautious about disagreeing about it front of them. Good post.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:24 am
Thank you Sandra. If the parents are in agreement, (or at the least can make the kids think they are and then discuss it in private), they will maintain control.
There is also nothing wrong with saying, “Let’s talk about this later, after we have both had a chance to cool down and think clearly”. Doing this can be an influence on all involved to see the other side. It can also give you a chance to talk to your spouse and come to some sort of agreement as to how far to let it go, and when to end it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
God is on everyone’s side � and in the last analysis, he is on the side with plenty of money and large armies.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:50 am
hey just want to post my comments and say thanks for a great post.